Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
