just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
