Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
