You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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