dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
We got so high we made milksteak
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
