Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
