My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
