i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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