i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
