Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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