before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
