apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
