Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
