Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
