If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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