I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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