there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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