she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Randomize
