I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
