sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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