There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
