if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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