walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
