I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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