Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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