How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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