in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
