I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
