ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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