Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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