I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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