my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
