I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
