Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
