Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
