I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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