ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
