I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
