I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
