The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize