One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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