dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
