My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
