from now on my penis is your penis
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
