fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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