the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
