My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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