explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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