yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
