3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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