Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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