Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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