My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
