You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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