I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You took a bar mat shot.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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