So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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