I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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