Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
